Kindess & Beauty — Erin Bagwell

Newsletter Update: Greetings, I wrote this newsletter before Buffalo’s horrific Christmas blizzard. My family and parents were safely out of town during the storm and our neighbors where excellent caretakers of our block. We were grateful to come home to power, no damage to our home, and lots of snow. My heart goes out to all the Buffalo families who lost a loved one during the storm.

In December I started working part time at one of my favorite places, Clayton’s Toys.

Clayton’s is one of the oldest running toy stores in America. It’s a boutique shop in Buffalo that specialties in games, dolls, crafts and much more that you can’t find in stores anywhere else. The best part of the shopping experience is that the staff has been there for decades and knows it’s merchandise inside and out. We offer a personal shopping experience to help you pick your gifts and always do free gift wrapping. There is nothing like the thrill of showing up to Clayton’s 30 min before a birthday party, picking out a special something for one of Ginny’s friends, and then having it professionally gift wrapped like you’re a mom who really has her life together!

I previously worked at Clayton’s in high school and college and loved going back to work the odd Christmas Eve for the store’s owners, Kellie and Tera, when I was home to help out with the holiday rush. It was always such a fun place to be and I’m excited to be back again, helping folks buy gifts for their little ones and making reels for their Instagram account.

While out on the sales floor this holiday season, the women of Buffalo came in ON A MISSION. There were frantic facetime calls with family members, stories about overbearing in-laws, and multiple trips to the cash register to purchase forgotten items. The holiday stress was radiating on these gals like a toxic holiday-themed oil spill, and I GET IT! Women are often in charge of decorating, purchasing, mailing xmas cards, wrapping and carrying the burden of the emotional labor known as the “magic of the holidays.” While bachelors, in my retail experience, come in on Christmas Eve and buy the biggest item in the store.

During one shopping-therapy session I was helping a woman pick out a gift for one of her grandkids while she unloaded on me about some intense family dynamics. During the conversation in the craft aisle, I casually validated her end of the year stress and to my surprise, a look of relief washed over her face when I said it. Which made me wonder. Why are we always so hard on ourselves? Why does it take a stranger to remind us to take a beat and step back, and be kind to ourselves?

And I feel it too. Call it holiday stress, or residual feelings of PPD but lately, I’ve been battling a lot of intense days with anxiety and my usual tools are not working. It’s like I’ve slipped into a darker relationship with my mental health than I’ve never experienced before. And to be honest, it’s been scary. There are some days when I’m not sure how I’m going to put one foot in front of the other. I’ve started taking an antidepressant, and I’m working with my therapist, but it’s taken longer than expected to feel relief.

I think part of why I’m feeling so much anxiety is because I wanted very desperately to believe everything would be easier with motherhood the second time around since I knew what I was getting into. But I’m still struggling. I’m still figuring out how to balance my life with two kids, make time for myself, remember to pick everyone up on time, and learn how to move my career forward with only a few days of full childcare.

But admitting that it’s hard has been a secret blessing in disguise because I’ve noticed whenever I start to get anxious or overwhelmed it’s because I’m usually exhausted and don’t have any more energy to give. I’m so good at putting everyone else’s needs first it’s hard to make or take space for myself. So lately I’ve been trying to rewrite my story around rest.

Instead of only allowing my body to rest AFTER I’ve completed a task or gotten things off my to-do list I’m forcing myself to rest BEFORE and even DURING a productive moment. I no longer am interested in going to the bottom of my “well of energy” and digging until I collapse into a puddle of anxiety and tears. I want to find new and meaningful ways to take care of myself. So I’m trying lots of things. I went to get my nails done, I’m watching The Real Housewives guilt free, I’m laying on the couch to rest while Ginny is mesmerized by My Little Ponies.

And it’s going okay. I’m still having moments of anxiety, and panic attacks that last a few hours but I’m also getting rest, asking for what I need, and practicing self-care I can pass down to my girls. Earlier in the month Ginny asked me what I did while her and Poppy were being watched by their Tuesday caretaker Pam, and I told her “I spent the day with myself.” I then proceeded to tell her all the ways I was taking care of myself that day. It felt deeply uncomfortable to say that I needed rest and like a revolution all at the same time.

This new commitment to rest has inspired two new goals for me in the new year. KINDNESS & BEAUTY.

First, let us be kind to ourselves. To our faults and mistakes and misgivings and judgements. For our need to power down and tune out and restart. To our heavy lists and busy lives and hectic schedules. To the insanity of the culture, the world, the time we are in. Let us not forget our goodness, our humanity, our joy. Let us off the hook a little. Let’s be most kind to ourselves this season.

And in that process let us also find beauty. I’m the first one to roll out of bed in the morning and throw my hair up without combing it and move on with the day. But let us be still. Let us sit in the mirror. Let us linger while we decide what to wear. May we put care into our look, our vision, our day. Let us celebrate the unique beauty we hold and the shine we give onto others.

Let us step into the light and glow with wild abandon even if it means taking five minutes or an hour to yourself to get ready in the morning.

Whether you find you a-ha moments in the craft aisle of a toy store, or sitting down for a warm cup of tea. I hope you can cultivate some space for guilt-free rest, kindness, and beauty this year.

Lots of love,

Erin