A Safe Place to Land
A few newsletters ago, I shared that I had decided to wean Poppy from breastfeeding. While I was anticipating the mom-guilt of transitioning her to a bottle, I never expected that the hormone drop would leave me feeling flooded with periods of depression, anxiety, and rage. For the first time since Poppy was born I felt emotionally out of control.
At first I rode the wave, anxiously waiting for the feelings to pass. But after a couple of days of waking up weepy and crying for no reason I knew I had to start putting action in place to take care of myself.
Two things helped ground me during this emotional transition-
First, my friend Kelley Robins Hicks (whose story is featured in Year One) posted on Instagram last year that when she was feeling worn out mentally she treated herself like she was physically sick. She got into bed, and nurtured herself.
This idea stuck with me.
Second, when Ginny is having a day full of toddler tantrums I’ve found the fastest way to calm her down is by offering her a safe place to land. When the tears start to flow I take her in my arms and cradle her until she calms down. Then we talk about what she needs.
My initial reaction when she’s doing something she’s not supposed to is to reprimand her. But I find if I meet her anger with anger she explodes, and the quickest way for me to calm her down is to meet her with empathy.
It’s often an exhausting practice to dig deep when your toddler is pushing all your buttons and screaming at the top of her lungs because she doesn’t want to put her shoes on that day, but I’m always grateful when I find the patience to put it into practice.
So I decided to explore this idea of treating myself with empathy and compassion throughout my hormonal shift. Instead of doing what I usually do, which is to feel deep feelings of shame about the depression and anxiety I experience. What would happen if I took care of myself like I take care of my little girl? So I tried it.
During the weekends Sal and I implore a “three hours on, three hours off” practice. This means for three hours on Saturday and Sunday I can do whatever I want, then for three hours I’m in charge of both children, and Sal can do whatever he wants. During my time I can choose to leave the house and meet a friend, or I can work and hang out around the house without the responsibility of two small children.
So during my three hours off on Saturday I put myself to bed. And I stayed there.
I slept, I read, I cried, I journaled. I ate an ice cream sandwich. I loafed. I was undisturbed. I gave myself a safe place to land.
And during that time something emotional came up for me. I was met with an uncomfortable feeling from a couple of years ago- something personal that I’m still healing and working through.
Then I had an “a-ha” moment.
What if my bout of depression was an opportunity for me to heal and care for an old wound my body is still processing? Could I sit with this uncomfortable memory and let some of it go?
Surrendering is one of the things I feel like I’ve come to the world to learn. It’s painful for me to let something go, and I often just want to be “onto the next thing.” However, during this hormonal shift I’ve tried to stay open and curious about what I was experiencing. Asking myself the questions- What does this have to teach me? What can I learn from this process? And what can I let go?
After my three hours off I took over the childcare and felt lighter than I had all week. I was rested and relaxed, even joyful.
Now that I’ve finished weaning and my hormones are regulated I feel grateful. Grateful for formula (even in a formula shortage), and that both Sal and I can now feed our baby. Grateful for the time I can take away from both kids to spend time with friends. And grateful for my depression, for the ability to continue to release and surrender what doesn’t serve me.
I hope to stay curious and kind to myself, knowing whenever I need it, I can always find a safe place to land.
Xx,
Erin
