The Magic of Surrender — Erin Bagwell

This isn’t the blog post I thought I'd be writing at the start of the New Year. I had big plans to share an announcement with you: I’ve been working behind the scenes on a new documentary project about the unpaid labor of mothers. I’ve started the casting call, have twelve pages of notes, and a list of experts on my brain. I’ve been meeting once a week with a local lawyer named Mary-Jane Mortley who has been answering my questions about the pay inequity of mothers, and what is considered legal and illegal discrimination based on gender at work.

Then the holidays hit. And my kids got sick. And the flurry of Christmas activities and New Years swirled around our family like a sparkly snow globe all shook up. I told myself this was just a temporary pause- that I’d be back on track in the New Year. But the days have moved on and the world seems to keep on turning without me turning the next page for the film.

I’ve been stuck in between. In between wanting to make another movie, and physically being with my two children. Ginny is now in school full time, and I have part-time care to help me with Poppy but as the default caregiver when they have sick days, holiday vacations, doctors appointments, school parties, or anything else that comes up I’m the parent that takes the reins.

While juggling two kids schedules with part-time childcare help leaves me time to work, it doesn’t leave me stable time. More often than not I’m interrupted, derailed, rescheduling and rearranging meetings, goals, and dreams.

This isn’t an excuse, it’s just my truth. My kids are little and right now their needs are big. The lie that I’ve been giving myself is that I can do both things. I can project manage, fundraise, write, produce and make a documentary by myself (like I have before I had kids) while being the primary caregiver. And the truth is that I can not.

And while the thought of not “having it all” would make me shame spiral before. I feel different about it now. Because I’ve done a lot of work around the idea that I’m bringing value to my family outside of my career aspirations, and that the work I’m doing in the home is actually (despite our cultural disdain for stay at home parents) an invaluable asset. Ironically, this was the thesis for my documentary.

Yesterday while I was pondering this time-scheduling and working predicament I called my friend Frank (who you know from Love in Common) to get his advice. While we were talking about our creative journeys we both recognized that it’s difficult to work creatively on two things at once. I know I can’t paint and write at the same time or work on a film while managing anything else in my life. I can do one thing really well, with my whole heart going into that thing.

After our call I have been thinking a lot about the creative energy that goes into child-rearing. Perhaps this is my “thing” right now. Perhaps my mind can’t share a feature length film AND raise two small girls. Perhaps it’s just not in my creative DNA to do both without feeling like I’m being split into two.

So this isn’t the big New Year’s update I thought I’d be sending you. But maybe it’s better. Maybe it’s a small slice of surrender. Maybe the magic of this year isn’t what we take on- but what we can let go of.

Xx,

Erin